Welcome to my Blog!

Where do I begin.....I am an addict! I have been clean for 59 days----WOW! It seems so much longer then that! My drug use began in high school (class of 85)----used mainly pill, some marijuana, crack a time or two, oh and opiates (I did mix these drugs with alchol)-----sigh! I ended up on Xanax and hydrocodone for about the past 3 years or so, I have had some memory loss, fortunately for me it is coming back piece by piece. There were serveral things that caused me to seek help, my fiance', my son and my youngest niece. All 3 of them played a large factor; they will probably never realize that they actually saved my life!

Psalm 34:5
“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” (NIV)

Monday, August 8, 2011


Not for the faint at heart! First thing I remember is the pain!  I think every little bit of pain I missed while I was high I have been feeling every bit of it now!  It has been almost unbearable at times....getting up in the middle of the night and going walking because my legs or back hurts so bad!!!! For the first 2 weeks I was constantly taking a bath or shower---anything to get comfortable, even sleeping with a heating pad!  Next thing was the nausea and running to the bathroom constantly!  No appetite!(Appetite has increased; now that I can actually taste and smell).  My perception has been way off, I have had difficulty walking and driving!  I did not want anyone to see me this way, unfortunately, the one person who did was my youngest son (I will explain his reaction later).  The one thing that bothers me and I worry about is the memory loss.  I thought it would stop and I would remember things moving forward but that has not been the case---there are things that have happened and John or Sean will say something about it and I am just lost!  Have no idea what they are talking about.  Went to do laundry the other day and almost never figured out how to run that blasted washing machine!  I was only in rehab for a weekend, as soon as I signed myself in I was ready to leave!!!! NO way I was going to stay there!  When I signed in she said you have to be here for 24 hours and then you are able to sign yourself out, well she left out that it was 24 business hour and they do not consider the weekend business hours!  On that Monday my doctor and I came to an agreement that I could go home as long as I came back each day for outpatient---this meant I would come in for group therapy!  Well back to withdrawal---it has been, well for lack of a better term it has been a bitch!!!! I stayed the first night or two with John---I just felt like running, I could not breath!  Our entire relationship, I had been on one thing or another that was mind altering----so I did not know him SOBER!  It was like being with a stranger----would I like him? Would he like me?  Initially I tried to distance myself!  He would come over and  I don't think I even spoke to him.....I felt guilty but I had to know for sure---I had to get to know him.....I am glad I did it this way----honestly, I have needed this time.