Whirlwind!

May and June are a complete blur to me but I do know this is the time period that I knew I was actually needing help.  My fiance' would make subtle comments, even my 6 year old son----I was still denying the problem to everyone but deep down I was beginning to realize I had one!  I was needing more and more pills just to function at work, to function around family---well I should say I was not actually functioning I was just there. Unfortunately, the final straw was when my sister finally delivered my niece---we knew early that she was going to be born with a heart defect, I had even helped set up a couple of benefits to help raise money for the medical expenses, on June 1st my sister delivered Brinley at Cook's Children's Hospital----on June 2nd we received a call from my sister that if they did not do surgery on baby girl NOW she was not going to make it----that pushed me over the edge.....we knew that it was coming but I guess deep down there was a little denial! We all went down to Fort Worth to be there and I had not got to see Brinley yet.....Honestly, I do not even remember going to see her, the only way I know I was there is from pictures!  I am not sure how long, John (my fiance'), Sean (my youngest son) and I stayed there----there main thing I remember after returning is 10 plus hydrocodone and alchol----I remember falling over at the dinner table,drooling , not sure how I got in the bedroom, John asking me where my pills were, him counting them and saying he was going to put them away, I remember lying in bed----he had his arms around me, he asked me if I was a (crack) addict---again I said no, then he said that he was not going to be able to sleep that night---I  said why and he said HE WAS AFRAID I WOULD NOT WAKE UP! Then I was out-----don't remember much after that---not even sure who suggested rehab!  I had made several attempts to get off the meds on my own in the past. Never had much success, once the pain, nausea, shaking, vomiting and seizures started you could not give me a pill quick enough!   Once I checked myself into rehab it was cold turkey, I refused any meds, just the thought of them made me sick and I was angry that they were trying to give me something that I was trying to get off of!