Day 82

Well this has been a high stress day for our family. My niece who I discuss early on in my blog had her 2nd heart surgery yesterday. Well today they had to take a crash cart into her room! They are not sure what happened but now they have drug induced paralyzed her. Lot of praying----We know God has big plans for her! She is the sweetest baby. She will be 3 months tomorrow and you can look at her and know that she is fully aware of everything. She laughs, smiles and just seems so calm----could take a few pointers from her :) Tonite we were at a car lot here in town and one of the guys came up and introduced himself and then lastly he shook Sean's hand and said boy you are the most special one of all and Sean said No I am not baby Brinley my cousin is :) Well of course all of the kiddos are special but he is right she is! She has changed a lot how some of us think about certain things; she wakes someone up (: As far as my dealing with an issue that would have sent me over the edge for lack of a better phrase----chest pain has been my reaction and other then some tylenol and a nitro have not had cravings for anything else.....worried about ity bitty but deep in my heart I know God is watching over her and has big plans for her----she has already made a big difference in all of our lives!

Day 81

Will let ya know how this day goes later!

Pain

Well I have been thinking....I really don't think I like pain very much! I can feel everything and it is tough-----no wander I didn't want to! I am sure it gets easier to deal with...NO actually I know it will get easier but I guess the process will take a while but I WILL get there. I have had to go to the ER a couple of times and each time it was something that caused a great deal of pain.....the first time they only gave me a shot for pain and antibiotics well ironically I was allergic to the antibiotic and the pain was getting worse so they changed my antibiotic and gave me vicodin. Vicodin is not suppose to be addictive and it seemed to work like Tylenol to me but they are right its really nothing that I felt I could get dependent on :) I still laugh at the allergic reaction.....things that I have abused for so long didn't kill me (how I got passed that I don't know so PLEASE do NOT try this at home) and then something that is suppose to make me better could have killed me! Go figure! Just my luck! Ya know the bad thing is with my memory loss I cannot for the life of me remember what it was that I had the reaction to so I hope John or mom remember or next time I am in the ER I will ask them hopefully they put it in their records! (:

Day 79

Well we drove down to Cook's Children's Hospital yesterday afternoon.  My niece Brinley is back in the hospital due to her sats dropping very low.  Yesterday morning she had a cardiac cath and now the doctors are keeping her sedated to keeps sats up so she was sleeping the entire time we were there but I did get to kiss her and it was a relief for my mom and I to see her with our own eyes.  From my sisters update she is still sedated and next thing is going to be surgery # 2.  After this surgery she will finally get to go out and about like other baby's her age!  My sis is very excited about that!  yay!  I finally to her the quilt I made her....not quite finished with hand quilting the teddy bears on the quilt but I figured I want her to have it before she out grows it.....after winter goes by I will take it back and finish the quilting for her :)  or wait until she is old enough and teach her how!

As far as any issues that I have had lately would be muscle pain!  ugh!  Seems like it is not going to go away and still memory issues which all sucks.  I am really worried that my memory is not going to come back  on certain things----but I guess I wont know! hmmmm? 

Will be driving back down to Cook's on Tuesday after school gets out for surgery 2 to see Brinley and to be there for my sister; it seemed to help her when we were there.  I know when Sean was there for his 1st 2 weeks it was harder when I was there alone because with my imagination I think about everything possible!
















 

Day 77

Well it looks like it has been a few days since I posted on here......well it has been a very busy week.  It was the first week of school which meant getting up early and going to bed early----thank goodness it all went relatively smoothly----no arguing match about him being to tired to go to school or just not wanting to!  Last 2 days he even got up early so he could eat breakfast at school. 

Football practice is going a lot better!  Sean has finally figured it out somewhat!  He likes the physical part of it, not to keen on the laps they have to run but I doubt I would be either at 109+ outside.   When we went to practice on Tuesday he mentioned that everyone of them people were crazy because it is too hot to be outside!  Lol it was my thoughts exactly but I was not going to tell him that but mom and I did find about the only strip of shade that was out there even though Sean pleaded for me to set closer...uhmmm not going to happen until it gets cooler outside.

 The most stressful part of the week has probably been my niece Brinley, who I have talked about before, she is part of the reason I am here to post this blog.  She is at Cook's Children's Hospital again; went last night.  She is having a cardiac cath in the morning and soon will be having surgery #2.  Sigh, I so have no idea how my sister does it; I am not sure I could but we never know until we are in those shoes.  Will be going there once we know when she is having her surgery.

Almost forgot, my twins, Trip and Jacob live in Richmond, Va which had a earthquake early this week and now Irene is moving up the east coast towards them as I type.  I have been trying to keep updated on how they are.  Really worried and doing a lot of praying this week.  Faith in God :)

A Discovery of Witches - Books by Deborah Harkness - Penguin Group (USA)

A Discovery of Witches - Books by Deborah Harkness - Penguin Group (USA)

Day 71

One thing I find is that I am very cautious about is "switching".  This is giving up one addictions and replacing it with another!  I am fully aware that I have an addictive  personality and I am very cautious of anything that I may switch to that is dangerous....

Isaiah 43:2
“When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.” (NLT)1

Day 70

70 days sober----I really thought by now it would be better!  It seemed to be getting better but this week was like starting over again.....the twitching is back, anxiety level has increased, chest pain and difficulty breathing....yeah, it sucks......not liking anything right now!  Even cried over stupid things today which is actually a big improvement on that part because previously I felt NOTHING!  Could careless about what is going on with anyone or anything---at this point all I can do is pray to GOD things get better----I keep trying to have faith because it is the only thing I feel like I have at this point.....sigh. 

On a lighter note, took Sean to meet the teacher this afternoon and he appears to be excited about it now since he likes her.  This is her first year to teach....Heaven help her :)  especially with Mr. Chatterbox in there in her class!  He can talk 90 to nothing.  He ran out to the car and brought in his school supplies and put them in his locker----yes this year he actually has a locker instead of a cubby---how fun :)  She had cookies out for everyone and I guess suckers because he got one from someone.  Took me to see the gym (which I had already seen) but as long as he was excited about going back to school that was okay..... I will take some pics Monday of his first day of school.

Day 68

Not much change since yesterday!  Want to be to myself----tried to go to the grocery store today----it was horrible!  Could not get out of there quick enough----the one positive thing is that I did not go to aldi and by the looks of the store I did go to everyone else must have been at aldi's! (horrible, horrible headache)----is this as good as it gets?  Really? I pray to God not!

Day 67

I do not know what it is about today but I feel just as bad today as I did on about day 3 or 4!  When my mom got here she thought I had 2 black eyes!  Nope just dark circles under my eyes.....very jittery,  very painful day....overall I just feel sick!   Body aches!  Counselor did tell me that at one point I may go through a rebound detox from the xanax......maybe that is what it is but I sure hope it passes soon!   VERY high anxiety day!  Just makes you feel you need something to take the edge off and that scares me too!  I know if I just had a couple of pills it would all go away.........

Change

Well I have decided to make some changes in my life...of course with that comes a little bit of anxiety----but I am determined that I can work through these changes!  I will post updates as I work through them!  God willing I will get through it!  My therapist said certain things in my life a triggers for drug use---working through those.

Brinley

Well as you may remember previously, when my addiction went in to a tail spin was when my niece Brinley had to have her first surgery.  Well yesterday, my sister and brother-in-law had to rush her back down to Cook's Childrens Hospital in Fort Worth, Tx.  Her O2 level dropped down to 50 and her heart rate went up to 200 bpm----SCARY!  I have coped fairly well without any "drugs" but it has been one of those minute by minute days!  I feel a little flighty here and there---like I just need to get away!  Tried to keep myself busy for the last couple of days; rode with John yesterday while he was looking for a building for his shop, he came over at 5 am this morning and then took us to the Boys Club for Sean's weight in for football (116) and then he drove around and took MORE pics of the things that USE to be in town---well of course I mean the locations of things that use to be.  After we got back here-----I SLEPT!  Then fixed them dinner about 9 pm (:   Doctors say that ity bitty (Brinley) is doing well and they believe she was dehydrated---I can certainly see that it has been sooo hot here lately!  They have been giving her fluids and o2 ----monitoring her!  Great hospital----wish they were located here!  (Sean was there for his first 2 weeks---Ronald McDonald House is amazing as well.)

COMA

One of the most difficult mental hurdles has been remember everything!  It has been like I was in a coma!  There are so many things I just do not remember!  Bit by bit things have started coming back but Lord only knows what I still don't remember and honestly I may not want to know!!!!

When I was in rehab I remember thinking to myself---OMG I have not been there for my kids---I called my youngest son and said OMG mommy has not been there for you have I?  He said no mom you haven't---that just about broke my heart!  That is still the one thing that I run through my head when I even consider using!  He will question me if I anything in my mouth----Tylenol, Advil, anything!  It is really amazing what kids understand---sometimes they understand things more then we do.

Everyone says its one day at a time----well in my case I have been living one minute at a time, honestly, every minute things can change, there could be that one quick trigger.....for me I try to remember my youngest son saying "no mommy you havent."   I remember how I felt at that moment and how I never want to dig myself at of that hole again.

Another point that really woke me up is when I realized that I actually belonged in rehab with all of the other ADDICTS!  Talking about a rude awakening!  Wow, I had myself convinced that I was not like them---even stayed in my room for the first half of treatment---they even brought me my food!  The bad thing is that society has an idea of what and who we are-----and they are wrong, we could be someone sitting next to them at work, church, school, it could be one of our children or even our parents!

Insomnia!!!! GO AWAY! PLEASE!

Well the insomnia is still here!  Really bad headache today!  When will normalcy set in.....I think I am going to have to make everything normal......where do I begin on that?  Have 2 appointments next week so I think after that I am going to return to work....I have attempted to return back to work about 2 weeks after I started rehab.....WAY to early!  Once I got to work I did not know how to function without drugs----I was so use to having my bottles sitting on my desk beside me I didn't know what to do.....my therapist said that work is a trigger----it is common with addictions, you have triggers----I have 3 now, I did have 4 but one of them was a new one so I think it made it easier to shake.  The 2nd one is driving, once I was detoxing, when I drive it is like I am high, I can only imagine what I was like driving "actually" HIGH!  OMG! I am so surprised that I didn't kill anyone----that really scares me!  I have only driven about a handful of times since I began treatment.  The third trigger----FAMILY!  Wanted to run when everyone was here!  This one is getting easier now as well.  The 2 that have to do with those closest to me have been the triggers that have improved some. 

There is so much stress at work I think that is what makes it such a large trigger and almost my entire career there has been "impaired".    

Headaches and Insomnia!

The headaches are horrible----my head just pounds and the pain again is unbearable--cannot concentrate at times it hurts so bad and unfortunately I just have to wait it out because nothing seems to help----not tylenol, aleve, nothing! Eventually it will be gone for a while---they still come back but they have gotten further and further apart!  Insomnia, oh these sleepless nights----I think my body just does not know how to sleep without drugs, I have slept drug induced for so long I just cannot sleep on my own.....that is one thing that I want----to have a good night, non-drug induced, uninterrupted, peaceful sleep.  Maybe with it raining or evening snowing outside----have you ever noticed how quite it is outside when snow has fallen!  I love that sound....I hope it snows this winter! Everyone comments on how well I am doing and that I will be fine now---I haven't had anything in "x" amount of time!  Inside I am not quite, its like my brain is screaming for more----I am trying to train myself to do other things to get my mind on something else, my two blogs are part of that, taking pics is another thing, concentrating on my son----one thing I would like to try and learn is to focus on myself some  as well!  Maybe trying to set a bed time frame will be part of that, trying to find the rest and sleep that I actually need!  Maybe I should start walking---maybe that will help! 

The headaches, in my case, appear to get further and further apart, however, the insomnia has not yet improved so I am going to have to find something to help me sleep so maybe we will try a long walk, warm bath and then some bedtime tea in the evening and see if that helps.

Thunder and Lightening!!!!

Well during the night I heard a loud noise outside.... thought about it for a few minutes and though I better get up and take a look to see what the noise was!  Well I got up and looked out the window and just when I was about to let go of the curtain I saw light fill up the sky----you got it, it was lightening!  That got me curious so I went to the front door and sure enough thunder  and lightening!  I don't think it ever rained any but we do have another chance today so I am praying to GOD that we get some much needed rain! Temperatures are suppose to start dropping this week and by Sunday were are SUPPOSE to be under 100!

Withdrawal

Not for the faint at heart! First thing I remember is the pain!  I think every little bit of pain I missed while I was high I have been feeling every bit of it now!  It has been almost unbearable at times....getting up in the middle of the night and going walking because my legs or back hurts so bad!!!! For the first 2 weeks I was constantly taking a bath or shower---anything to get comfortable, even sleeping with a heating pad!  Next thing was the nausea and running to the bathroom constantly!  No appetite!(Appetite has increased; now that I can actually taste and smell).  My perception has been way off, I have had difficulty walking and driving!  I did not want anyone to see me this way, unfortunately, the one person who did was my youngest son (I will explain his reaction later).  The one thing that bothers me and I worry about is the memory loss.  I thought it would stop and I would remember things moving forward but that has not been the case---there are things that have happened and John or Sean will say something about it and I am just lost!  Have no idea what they are talking about.  Went to do laundry the other day and almost never figured out how to run that blasted washing machine!  I was only in rehab for a weekend, as soon as I signed myself in I was ready to leave!!!! NO way I was going to stay there!  When I signed in she said you have to be here for 24 hours and then you are able to sign yourself out, well she left out that it was 24 business hour and they do not consider the weekend business hours!  On that Monday my doctor and I came to an agreement that I could go home as long as I came back each day for outpatient---this meant I would come in for group therapy!  Well back to withdrawal---it has been, well for lack of a better term it has been a bitch!!!! I stayed the first night or two with John---I just felt like running, I could not breath!  Our entire relationship, I had been on one thing or another that was mind altering----so I did not know him SOBER!  It was like being with a stranger----would I like him? Would he like me?  Initially I tried to distance myself!  He would come over and  I don't think I even spoke to him.....I felt guilty but I had to know for sure---I had to get to know him.....I am glad I did it this way----honestly, I have needed this time.  

Whirlwind!

May and June are a complete blur to me but I do know this is the time period that I knew I was actually needing help.  My fiance' would make subtle comments, even my 6 year old son----I was still denying the problem to everyone but deep down I was beginning to realize I had one!  I was needing more and more pills just to function at work, to function around family---well I should say I was not actually functioning I was just there. Unfortunately, the final straw was when my sister finally delivered my niece---we knew early that she was going to be born with a heart defect, I had even helped set up a couple of benefits to help raise money for the medical expenses, on June 1st my sister delivered Brinley at Cook's Children's Hospital----on June 2nd we received a call from my sister that if they did not do surgery on baby girl NOW she was not going to make it----that pushed me over the edge.....we knew that it was coming but I guess deep down there was a little denial! We all went down to Fort Worth to be there and I had not got to see Brinley yet.....Honestly, I do not even remember going to see her, the only way I know I was there is from pictures!  I am not sure how long, John (my fiance'), Sean (my youngest son) and I stayed there----there main thing I remember after returning is 10 plus hydrocodone and alchol----I remember falling over at the dinner table,drooling , not sure how I got in the bedroom, John asking me where my pills were, him counting them and saying he was going to put them away, I remember lying in bed----he had his arms around me, he asked me if I was a (crack) addict---again I said no, then he said that he was not going to be able to sleep that night---I  said why and he said HE WAS AFRAID I WOULD NOT WAKE UP! Then I was out-----don't remember much after that---not even sure who suggested rehab!  I had made several attempts to get off the meds on my own in the past. Never had much success, once the pain, nausea, shaking, vomiting and seizures started you could not give me a pill quick enough!   Once I checked myself into rehab it was cold turkey, I refused any meds, just the thought of them made me sick and I was angry that they were trying to give me something that I was trying to get off of!